99% of all homeschools are conducted by mom. This isn’t necessarily all bad, but it’s not good either. In today’s hectic world, to make the commitment to being a one-income family is to shoulder a not inconsiderable burden. When Mom commits to staying at home and raising the children and Dad commits to being the sole bread-winner it may seem as though the roles of each are pretty clearly defined. But there are things that Dad can Do (even if he’s off at work every day) and there are things that dad Should do.
First, to paraphrase James Dobson, the most important thing Dad can do for the kids is to love their Mom. And I mean “love” in the New Testament Ephesians 4 and 1 Corinthians 13 sense. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The secret to a successful marriage is the same as the secret to the Christian life – easy to say and a life-long struggle of the will to do. To live the Christian life, or make your marriage happy, you must do one thing: “Deny yourself.” If you are constantly on the lookout for what’s “fair,” and what your “rights” are, I can guarantee you will never be happy. Deny yourself, and you will find peace, contentment, and happiness. Denying yourself can be done (must be done) in small, seemingly insignificant ways. Taking out the trash. Keeping the cars working. Washing dishes. Reading out loud to children.
The most practical way to continue to love your wife, gentleman, is to continue to “date” her even after you are married. Do you remember how you looked forward to a date with your sweetheart? Do you recall how you planned an evening out together? Keep doing that. It doesn’t have to involve large sums of money. We’ve sometimes had barely enough to pay for two $1 hamburgers and spend some time (browsing only) at the local bookstore. But the time spent together on a date is invaluable. It is a very tangible way of saying, “I love you,” “I care about you,” “I value you,” “I want to spend time with you,” “I enjoy talking with you.”
A cautionary note on this topic: Dobson has also made the profound observation that the kids will treat mom the way they see dad treat mom. Especially for sons, this becomes critical. If Dad treats Mom with respect, his sons will most likely follow his example. If they don’t, he needs to correct them firmly and quickly. It is most effective if you can ask the question, “Do you ever see me treating your mother disrespectfully?” Dad’s backup of Mom’s authority and respect for her personally is critical if your homeschool is to function without constant battles.
Second, listen to your wife. Men, I’m convinced, are wired in “fix-it” mode. We listen intently only until we believe we’ve learned enough to be able to “fix” the problem. Women are different from men (shocking, I know!). They often just want to “talk through” a problem and aren’t necessarily looking for a solution or fix. They gain insight by talking about a problem. It helps them to understand it, evaluate it, put it in proportion. Women also gain strength by knowing that someone else knows about the problem and is sympathetic. So men – we need to learn to listen. Quick to listen, slow to speak.
Third, take the lead in Bible, prayer, and family devotions. Your wife is quite likely spending time reading the Bible with your children and praying with them. Her time is important, but it cannot substitute for your time. Dad needs to be the spiritual leader in the household. When you have a meal together, in addition to saying a blessing before the meal, Dad should take advantage of the gathered audience and conclude the meal by reading something from the Bible. When the children are young, this may only be a verse or two. As they get older, it might be a chapter. Keep it to a chapter or less. And when you’re done, ask them about what you’ve just read. Ask simple observation questions first. Make sure they know who the passage was about, what happened, when it happened, and where it happened. When they can listen well enough to correctly answer questions about details, then you can, on occasion, ask questions about the meanings and application of the passage.
Fourth: Especially as the children get older, take a subject and teach the children yourself. If you know a foreign language, you can teach for an hour before you leave for work in the morning, or for an hour after you get home. If you have expertise in a particular subject, help your wife out by teaching that one subject. It is amazing how much insight you will gain into your children’s nature by teaching them. You’ll find that you understand them (and your wife) much better. You’ll find that you can compare notes and exchange tips with your wife that will make both of you better teachers (and it will deepen your relationship as well). Take your kids with you to work or on trips every chance you get. Blink twice and they’ll be grown up and gone. Lost opportunities are lost.
Fifth: Hire servants. Seriously. Historically very few households with children were managed entirely by mothers/wives entirely by themselves. Almost always they had the help of a servant – or two. If you and your wife were both working full-time, chances are, you would share the household chores (indoors and outdoors). Surprise! If your wife is homeschooling your children, she IS working full-time. Split the household chores (indoors and outdoors). And if you can afford to, by all means, hire a servant. We’re irrationally fearful of seeming to “put on airs” if we hire someone to help with laundry, cooking, or cleaning. The truth is, there are lots of people – especially young singles – who would count it a blessing (in two ways) to have the opportunity to work, even one day a week, in a Christian household. You would bless them financially, and you would bless them with the opportunity to see a functioning household with children and parents and a husband and a wife who love each other and who seek to serve Christ together.
Lastly: Take inventory together. An annual spiritual and educational inventory is of great benefit to both of you – and will benefit the children immensely (if indirectly) as well. Sometime over the summer, set aside some time to talk with your wife about her homeschooling plans. Ask her to show you the books and explain to you what her plans for each of the children are. As you talk about the children’s coursework, you should also talk about their spiritual development as well. One of the greatest joys of homeschooling is the opportunity that parents have to be their child’s peer group, and to lead them to Christ. Again, time spent with your wife talking about these things will be richly rewarding.
And finally, for those of you with small children (age 8 & under), remember the saying, “the days are long, but the years are short.” We have graduated five from high school and had our third wedding this summer. It really WAS only yesterday that I held them in my arms and watched them learn to walk. When I come to the end of my days, I do not expect to gather much comfort from my bank balance. But I am already richly blessed in the friendships with my grown-up children and the delight of seeing how they are raising my grandchildren.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
